Yesterday I made a choice, and my actions disappointed someone important to me. I’ve been thinking about it since that moment, mostly because I can’t stop thinking about my choice and the results.
But not in the obsessive way we can get when we disappoint someone, and the burn of that displeasure is worse than any punishment.
I haven’t stopped thinking about my choice because it is the same choice I have made for nearly ten years, maybe longer. I push myself, I go further and I reach higher, and then I hit a plateau and I stagnate. I settle for less than my very best because I feel frustrated — often I cannot see the next step in my own advancement. When I stagnate, I build walls. When I build walls, I feel trapped. When I feel trapped, I don’t know how to push myself to keep moving.
My choice yesterday is a reflection of this process. One I have lived for a very long time. And one that will only prevent me from achieving all that I dream and all that I am capable of — and so much more.
Being called out on the choice I made, being told very plainly “I am not pleased,” lit a fire in me. A fire that burned through my dreams as I slept last night, a fire that has filled several journal pages and continues to do so. But most importantly, a fire that has me tearing down the walls I have built in my stagnation and using the bricks to build a staircase, a way to push myself further.
There will be times that I want to push myself and cannot find the right tools to create a “perfect” image or representation of this push. This does not mean I get to settle for less than I am capable of, for something that is not truly reflective of my passion and drive.
I made a choice, I’m not happy with it, I will not choose it again.
I am making a new choice. I don’t know how it will go, I will sometimes only be able to trust that the next step is there, waiting for me.
But I’m not quitter. I’m a motherfucking warrior. And I am not ready to fall on my sword yet.