The Moment Between Dreams

there is a moment when one dream fizzles and another is not yet born ...

when what you thought you wanted to be is not who you truly are and who you are right now is not your destiny ...

how do you bring together the moments of being and not - the dreaming and the dying - and the shedding of old skin with the holding of the light ...

how do you survive the letting go of dreams the fear of not achieving the ache of not knowing and the anger of not being ...

these days, I am sitting in the depths of all the unknowns. my heart so deeply aches for law school, for any school, for learning and engaging and growing in connection with others. this time of year is always a challenge for me, but especially so since graduating from college and feeling the deep disconnect from academic learning. I always thrived in academia. college was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I ache for those days when the season starts to turn and the nights begin to chill. since deciding that law school is the next logical step in my path, these days of cooling weather are even more challenging. I have always prided myself on being an autodidact, but I haven't the first idea how to begin learning the law on my own. and with the longing for school and the dreaming of future plans comes the deep, deep doubt and the self-loathing that comes with not getting into law school on the first try. and not believing I can get into law school on the second try (even though I truly know that I can and will get into law school and succeed).

these days, I am curling into myself, curling into my heart. I am longing for quiet, intimate encounters with friends and loved ones -- not loud parties or group activities or grand adventures. I want a cup of tea, a shared dinner, a small dance. I am turning deeply into my heart and seeking out my own passion -- that driving force that thrusts me into my learning, my study, my true path.

these days, I am wondering how surviving happens, how walking depression moves me forward, how I wake up in the morning and move through each day. I am wondering how to finally move past just surviving and into thriving.

these days, I am ready to thrive.