What is in Your Wheel?

Yesterday, Tanya Geisler offered something incredible and {somewhat} rare: a clearly-outlined, fully-functional coaching tool that is useful as a personal assessment and a guide for making plans into the future. For free. Now, I've considered training as a coach through CTI in the past. It may still happen. Right now, I'm much more focused on Bearing Witness and on teaching workshops online, and it's not financially possible. But I've seen the Personal Assessment Wheel before, and have tried to make use of it. It just never clicked for me, until I used Tanya's example and brought it to my own life.

I sat down with my trusty google docs and created a circle {in no way perfect}, which I transferred to my word processor and labelled. Using the printer I finally connected wirelessly, I was able to print off a wheel for my business and my personal life. Both are important, especially as I am seeing major changes in both worlds in the near future. Copying down Tanya's seven steps onto the back of one wheel, I brought them with me to the laundromat this morning.

And then I got distracted.

Well, honestly, I got scared. I was so excited last night, to be honest with my self and where things are, to make concrete, SMART goals for my business for the next six months, that when I sat down to the work, I panicked. I froze.

What if the things I plan, the goals I make, ACTUALLY HAPPEN?

This revelation -- honestly faced while at a laundromat, by myself, watching the dryers spin and spin -- breaks my heart. It is the final moment, the tipping point, the bottom of the well. How can I ever expect my circumstances to change if every time I try to do something that will change my circumstances, I chicken out and do everything possible to avoid doing the things that will change my circumstances?

Just as I'm focusing on changing my financial story, and recognizing my f*uck-ups, I'm recognizing the places and ways that I hold myself back. It's important for me to be honest about this. I've spent nearly 27 years feeling insecure, no matter how secure I look and act. It's always been true that people think I am totally together. Truth is, most of the time I'm not together at all. I'm just as scared, and confused, and afraid, as any of the rest of the world. I don't have the answers, and I don't always know what the next step should be.

But I know that I'm willing to recognize the fear. I'm willing to recognize the self-sabotage, and to fight it. And tonight, I'm willing to brush my teeth, comb my hair, and climb into bed with my wheels and get down to business. I'm certain I don't want to hold myself back from the big dreams I have percolating in my head.

I can't wait to get them out into the world.